Tossing Batting Practice…while wondering why anyone who doesn’t root for the Celtics would want to kill Tony Allen…
I apologize for the brief intermission this month, school, and coaching caught up to me a bit, and my creativity just kind of waned. Anyway back to smarmy mundane and sometimes obvious comments about everyday sporting life.
The good news is Allen probably wont have anything to worry about regarding his safety in Chicago for game 6, if his alleged assailant is a Bulls fan. The guy played tonight like he was a BC hoopster circa the late 70s Henry Hill was showering him with coke and hookers.
I have found Paul Pierce to be one of the most frustrating athletes in Boston sports of my lifetime, but even though I hate the little post up at the top of the key, take a dribble and fadeaway move, it worked perfect tonight and I have to tip my cap to him, he certainly came up when the team needed it most.
I have no idea why Vinny Del Negro keeps calling timeouts to draw up plays, it seems pretty rudimentary to me.
Clear out, pick and roll for Rose, spread the floor with Gordon and Salmons and let Rose make a good decision.
Then again he didn’t do that any of the times he called timeout, thus further proving that nobody intelligent has ever come out of Western. Mass.
I got back from class just in time to see Ray Allen foul out, honestly I didn’t think there could have been a more unpredictable revelation, even if you told me Miki Moore had 40 (I mean he has to have scored double figures once in his life on some level right? He is in the NBA?).
But then I saw Stephon Marbury enter for defensive purposes, late in the game and that took home the big teddy bear in the carnival game of guessing the most improbable occurence in a game.
A big thumbs up to Kevin Harlan for the reverse jinx before Miller’s free throws, when he stated the Bulls had made 16 straight from the line.
Joe Buck and Don Orsillo proudly acknowledge your excellent work.
It’s my favorite time of year, playoff time in the NBA and NHL, and one of my favorite aspects of this time of year is the amount of teams that go up 3-0 in a series. Inevitably whenever this happens, the graphic pops up about the teams that have completed the comeback, its usually followed by the Dave Roberts steal, and it gets a little dusty in here.
I appreciate Big Baby Davis and all the hard work he does, but he really can’t finish underneath in traffic. So it’s frustrating that the Celtics don’t realize this and still pass it to him down there.
Not really a lot to say about the Sox right now, I’m loving the depth of our bullpen, though I can’t help but wonder if Papelbon has gotten a little too big for his britches and is maybe coming back to earth a bit.
I refuse to gloat, (a lot) about a series ion April, we’ve won far too many of those over the years, and surely the Yanks pitching will square itself away, as will its offense.
As long as the Devil Rays keep underachieving I’ll feel ok, the regular season is just a daily distraction until September anyway.
It was awesome to see Ellsbury steal home (that’s the kind of in depth analysis you get here at TBP).
I was at the Billy Hatcher steal of home game got to see it develop because I was sitting in the alley between homplate and the first base dugout in the lower bowl, back when it didn’t cost 1/8th of a semester’s tuition at a private university to sit there.
That was one of the coolest things I had ever seen when I was 11 years old.
It's really great to have Julio Lugo back, I mean he dropped that routine double play ball, where he looked like my grandmother trying to catch a fastball, and clearly his karma extended to everything else around the team, especially Lopez dropping the easy flip to lose the game.
Is Julio Lugo spanish for Tony Allen?
As most of you know I went to one of the most liberal schools in America, basically a student body of crazy hippies. While I always assumed all college students tend to be closer to the left in terms of political and social beliefs, but apparently not.
In a class presentation tonight, I heard one girl refer to a crucial Civil War battle as
“when WE lost the war.” I mean 140 years later, they still haven’t gotten over it, so I guess there’s little to no hope I’ll ever recover from the Super Bowl that shall not be named, or the League Championship series that never happened.
I was speechless at first, then had to use every ounce of self restraint not to laugh, or ask a question about the odd use of the word We.
Later in a presentation a kid tried to argue for less gun control, by stating the number of accidental deaths caused by doctors is far greater percentage wise than the number of accidental deaths caused by guns.
I’m still waiting for the answer on number of intentional deaths caused by Doctors relative to guns.
So our old rivals the Carolina Hurricanes will be coming to Boston for the playoffs. I must dust off my Primeau sucks chant from 1998.
Perhaps some little high school miscreants can replace me, Dunneski and Mule throwing super balls on the ice, and lofting paper airplanes in the balcony during this series.
That will be the extent of the hockey analysis for now, I promise of this series lasts longer than four or five games I might know the names of the majority of the players, (spelling probably not) and with it some hockey analysis.
I did have a “they were better in my day” moment the other night when I heard someone compare Milan Lucic (who apparently is neither a pompous eastern European fashion designer, nor a neighborhood in an Italian city) to Cam Neely.
Despite having seen Lucic (sp?) only a handful of times, I am steadfast in my belief that nobody had the power, speed and scoring combination of number 8.
Somewhere Mike O’Connell, a former youth hockey instructor of mine, is somewhat vindicated as Joe Thornton is golfing already again. I hope he’s a scratch golfer at this point in his career, though I’m sure if you put anything of value on the line (i.e. anything but his pride) he’d fold like an accordion.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Monday, April 13, 2009
Not tossing batting practice today…
Instead we’re Taking a Mulligan…..reporting live from Augusta National…because quite frankly I needed a break from Jim Nantz and I wasn’t going to give up The Masters to make it happen…
Being stuck in rural Georgia for the last few months has been a tough life adjustment, but from the moment I accepted my new job, I had secretly hoped I could go see the Masters.
The schedule broke right for me, and the usually exorbitant prices started heading south this week, so the only thing standing in my way were studying for grad school exams I have this week.
I’ve never been the most judicious of students, so of course I chose to roll the dice and take a trip to Augusta.
I left the house at 7:30 and cruised in just under three hours. When you get off the highway I expected a pristine country club setting kind of road, like we have at Brookline.
Instead I found route 1 equivalent complete with a Waffle House and a Hooters. After making a right at the TGI Fridays, I pull onto this quiet tree lined lane with a couple houses and vast gravel parking lots.
Despite the fact the Members of Augusta National are generally rich Captains of Industry, I have to admire their disregard for Capitalism as they offer free parking for everyone.
I get out of my car and look for tickets, a half a mile back towards the highway later I procure one at a reasonable price (i.e. I’m able to keep my first born, and both legs), and now I’m headed back to the course.
Walking in the first thing that strikes you is how peaceful it is, almost no sound except for a few lone birds chirping, almost politely. The trees are towering high, and full of growth, something a hardended New Englander is not used to seeing in early April.
As the temperature warms, I am left with a tough decision about what to do with my long sleeve shirt. As I look around at some of the questionable fashion choices, I determine that I can in fact tie it around my waist, and not look like the biggest snob here.
The British guy in the bright purple and yellow Payne Stewart outfit I cam across later clearly had that honor.
I peruse the pro shop, where I too could own a goofy looking golf hat for a mere $50, or an $80 collared shirt. On the flip side the concession stand again seems to defy Capitalist values, as sandwiches go for a buck and a half, and soda and candy are a dollar. Beers are under three bucks, but I question the point of getting drunk at a golf tournament unless your buddies have raised enough bail money.
Cell phones and cameras aren’t allowed on the premises for obvious reasons, but they treat it like bringing a loaded gun into the club.
If you do need to make a phone call there is a bank of phones in random places that offer free long distance anywhere in the country. Sadly the advent of cell phones has rendered me unable to remember anyone’s number.
After walking through concessions and the pro shop, I see the course itself. It’s kind of like walking through all those shops at Disneyworld. The Magic Kingdom is off in the distance, in this case the leaderboard, and as soon as you get out into the clearing its sort of overwhelming which way to go because people are walking everywhere.
I choose to wander aimlessly and look at some holes as people who have no hope of winning are playing out the string. The first thing that strikes me is that golfers aren’t all that big, I know that’s not shocking news, but even folks who are supposed to be big like Cabrera aren’t.
As I survey the course, the color of green is striking, nothing faded (even the gravel cart path is dyed green) and the grass looks perfect (though trampled after seven days of public access). The azaleas are blooming, and the sand traps are whiter than any Caribbean Beach.
As I see some guys tee off and shoot irons, I’m struck by the fact the sound off the club is not the booming blast it sounds on tv, it’s a simple sound any average guy who hits the ball square can make. However as it whizzes by your head it’s a little unnerving, even though you know its not hitting you.
I head over to the 10th hole and watch a couple groups including Bubba Watson, who is clad in a teal shirt and plaid pants, while sporting a driver that has a hot pink shaft. I have no joke here, I think it speaks for itself.
D.J. Trahan (didn’t know who he was before today either) has a caddy who was sporting a Green Monster sox shirt under the painters coveralls caddies wear. Now one would think this would make him a reasonably friendly or affable man at least to a fellow Sox fan, one would be wrong.
The prevalence of Sox hats throughout the golf course was incredible. I think only Georgia hats were more common (aside from Masters and golf company hats) and not by much. I saw Sox hats of all types, including a Titleist hat with a Sox logo, truly a nation we have on our hands perhaps we can talk to Jerry Remy about a possible secession.
Viva La Revolucion!!!!
I briefly watch Tiger on the practice green. He drills five quick short putts, which only frustrates me more about my short game. However, those are the last five good putts he hits all day.
Had I been made aware of the amount of attractive women who inhabit golf tournaments, I might have applied myself earlier in life. At the very least I think these are things parents should be doing, that’s why Earl Woods superglued clubs to Tiger’s hands. He saw a future Swedish model daughter in law, fame and fortune were secondary. Further proof I was shortchanged growing up.
I choose to follow the group of Tiger and Phil Mickelson, and if they fall out of contention I’ll veer back and check out the final group. But also because nobody pays the big bucks to see Kenny Perry or Angel Cabrera do anything
Tiger opens his round in much the same way I probably would have, by carrying it over the gallery somewhere. Unlike me his second shot carries a tree and lands near the pin to save par.
My first sight of Phil Mickelson, all I could think of as the line in Tommy Boy, “the camera adds a couple of…hundred pounds.”
He’s not all that big, and certainly not pudgy at least not in person. However the pinstriped pants have him looking like a goofy European.
I’m not a fashion cop by any means, but between the fans and golfers, who thinks some of these look good? I saw a guy with gold sneakers, and a magenta collared shirt (collar up), really I demand an investigation.
Mickelson starts a birdie barrage on two, three, five and six and is walking like he knows he’s in a zone.
His par three tee shot on six that sailed over my head and onto the green next to the pin was amazing to see. The crowd is now cheering everything Phil does, including successfully walking from shot to shot.
He’s at seven under and making a real charge, I’m morally obligated to root for any lefty golfer, and this group has gotten interesting and into contention.
In the least improper golf attire for a fan contest, the tattooed white guy in the KG Celtics jersey seems a little out of place, a close second is the bandwagon fan in the Rays jersey.
That strut of Phil’s stopped briefly when he Winged Foot (yes it’s a verb meaning to find the woods with your drive in a major championship while in contention, hey my blog, my rules of grammar). However he hits an incredible iron that drops within two feet of the pin in front of me.
The fact I recognize Jim Furyk by sight from 75 yards away, just proves I watch too much Sportscenter.
Tiger is struggling and jokes are flying in the gallery as Phil has upstaged him, and is smiling ear to ear. I can’t help but wonder when the collapse will come. Tiger flips his putter in frustration after missing a putt on seven. I don’t know by how much because once the pin is gone, I can’t ever find the hole.
Through seven holes, I have yet to perfect the somber golf clap, which is sort of the obligatory applaud after making an easy tap in after failing to make the important putt. Veteran golf fans seem project a monotone boom after a disappointing hole.
I have however perfected the boisterous shriek after Mickelson does something well. His following is getting a little Happy Gilmore-esque.
I elect to get a drink and not follow the duo to eight, like Ron Burgundy I regret this immediately as I see Tiger nail a long eagle putt from the ninth green roughly 700 yards away kinda like being in the opposite endzone at Gillette.
Mickelson again Winged Foots a tee shot seeming a little rattled after Tiger’s eagle. He follows that by finding the bunker from the woods, however he saves par.
While I applaud excellent play, I have to say I enjoy the sufferings of professional golfers and in particular I love seeing a shot that rolls all the way down a steep slope, or a putt that rolls all the way off the green. I get to see Heidi Watney’s anorexic gangly cousin Watney putt one off the ninth, and Mickelson come up short on an approach. I’m sadistic I know, but I feel as though others should feel my pain sometime.
I jump all the way to Amen Corner which is an absolute mob scene, albeit the most polite mob on earth, as everyone says excuse me and genuinely cares about other’s sightlines (this will change later)
Despite the oversized gallery nobody is watching Watney or Stephen Ames play the par 3 12th.
The sightlines at 11 and 12 are among the best in all of the golf world, absolutely the perfect place to play golf. I’m simply not a good enough writer to adequately describe it.
Mickelson has now added a new shot to future Major blog verbiage, as he Augusta’s his tee shot on the 12th rolling it into the water for a double bogey.
At the same time someone nearly kills the gallery with an approach onto 11, and nobody even turns their head to look.
Leaderboard watching is now a common pastime, and the anticipation as the hand operated scoreboards are updated is exciting, this time the crowd roars as Cabrera bogeys
All over the course are club officials who also wear green jackets. Nevermind that it’s 70 degrees, and they’re clearly wearing them to show the world they’re important. I briefly ponder whether I could accost one, steal his jacket and make it out of there.
After wondering how the cops will react, I decide that given the medieval ways Georgia cops enforce traffic laws, stealing an green jacket is likely a death penalty offense here.
After 12 holes I decide golf is far more suited for television. The interminable length with which people take to line up putts is annoying enough, but Tiger just stared at the pin on 12 as if he could telepathically move it if he stared hard enough.
The fact all that dogwood didn't make me sneeze once during a putting sequence is a minor miracle.
The Mickelson brigade has hit the skids following the double bogey, but Tiger is making a push. From my vantage point on 14 I find myself standing next to his old swing coach, the legendary Butch Harmon.
He can barely watch as Tiger drills an approach, and again he looks away as his former pupil just misses a putt.
After both finish 14, someone near me asks “is anyone following the leaders?”
Harmon quickly provides the line of the day as he deadpanned “only their wives.”
I can’t help but wonder if Perry is playing so mistake free because there’s no pressure on him, since virtually everyone is following Phil and Tiger. Soon thereafter I had my answer.
Both Phil and Tiger miss golden eagle opportunities on 15 and Tiger’s birdie on 16 leaves them both one back heading to the final two holes. My adrenaline is racing as people hustle to get a good view of 17. It’s here I discover that running is not allowed at Augusta National. (insert standard Lee Corso “not so fast my friend” joke here _______).
The security guards who bark out "walk please" look like every retired lunchlady hall monitor I ever encountered in junior high. Only at Augusta can senior citizen women be adequate security.
I swear to God I wasn’t the guy who ran onto the course and did a snow angle in the bunker on 17. I did however have to explain to two southerners what a Snow Angel was, and invoking the name of Lonnie Paxton only complicated matters.
Tiger played 18 this week like Roy McAvoy in the movie Tin Cup, the only thing missing today was him asking his Kiwi Caddy (who has a hilarious accent, of which I don’t understand how Tiger can focus when he talks) for another ball. He capped this real life cinematic nightmare by hitting a tree. When the ball made contact with that tree it made a crack I’ve only heard when Manny Ramirez and David Ortiz take batting practice.
It’s apparently contagious as Mickelson finds the bunker on 18. Perhaps his caddy should tell him they play 19 holes on the final day of Major Championships from here on out.
For 16 holes this was an incredible event to watch unfold. Both guys seemed to try to one up each other and made the other step his game up, and usually they did. It was anything you can do I can do better.
Then the final two holes, they played a version of anything you can I can do crappier.
I am dead tired and decide to head toward the exit and beat some traffic. But the fact that I hadn’t actually seen the leader take a shot made me turn around and walk to 17. I can hear the roar of what was Perry’s incredible tee shot on 16, as the scores change I assume its over, but I arrive to 17 in time to see Kenny Perry bogey, as Cabrera saves a par.
Perry bogeys 18 and it’s on to a three way playoff. As the players make their way back up 18 the politeness of earlier has gone completely out the window as the rich folks who have seats in front of the green refuse to sit down sparking a large shouting match, that us plebeians eventually won out.
The views of the playoff I had were great, at least until Perry’s approach on the second playoff sailed deep into the woods. I was pulling for Perry once Phil and Tiger faded but to get to see great golf was a privilege.
I take issue with Masters fans being the best in golf as some have said, as I was floored to the parking lot more than half empty after the playoff was over.
Championship golf is definitely best suited for television and perhaps that's where many fans went to see the final stages unfold, but I’d encourage anyone to go spend a day at Augusta and experience the roar of the crowd as a huge putt goes down, and the cataclysmic groan as a shot falls just short.
It truly is a tradition and a sporting event unlike any other I have attended.
Instead we’re Taking a Mulligan…..reporting live from Augusta National…because quite frankly I needed a break from Jim Nantz and I wasn’t going to give up The Masters to make it happen…
Being stuck in rural Georgia for the last few months has been a tough life adjustment, but from the moment I accepted my new job, I had secretly hoped I could go see the Masters.
The schedule broke right for me, and the usually exorbitant prices started heading south this week, so the only thing standing in my way were studying for grad school exams I have this week.
I’ve never been the most judicious of students, so of course I chose to roll the dice and take a trip to Augusta.
I left the house at 7:30 and cruised in just under three hours. When you get off the highway I expected a pristine country club setting kind of road, like we have at Brookline.
Instead I found route 1 equivalent complete with a Waffle House and a Hooters. After making a right at the TGI Fridays, I pull onto this quiet tree lined lane with a couple houses and vast gravel parking lots.
Despite the fact the Members of Augusta National are generally rich Captains of Industry, I have to admire their disregard for Capitalism as they offer free parking for everyone.
I get out of my car and look for tickets, a half a mile back towards the highway later I procure one at a reasonable price (i.e. I’m able to keep my first born, and both legs), and now I’m headed back to the course.
Walking in the first thing that strikes you is how peaceful it is, almost no sound except for a few lone birds chirping, almost politely. The trees are towering high, and full of growth, something a hardended New Englander is not used to seeing in early April.
As the temperature warms, I am left with a tough decision about what to do with my long sleeve shirt. As I look around at some of the questionable fashion choices, I determine that I can in fact tie it around my waist, and not look like the biggest snob here.
The British guy in the bright purple and yellow Payne Stewart outfit I cam across later clearly had that honor.
I peruse the pro shop, where I too could own a goofy looking golf hat for a mere $50, or an $80 collared shirt. On the flip side the concession stand again seems to defy Capitalist values, as sandwiches go for a buck and a half, and soda and candy are a dollar. Beers are under three bucks, but I question the point of getting drunk at a golf tournament unless your buddies have raised enough bail money.
Cell phones and cameras aren’t allowed on the premises for obvious reasons, but they treat it like bringing a loaded gun into the club.
If you do need to make a phone call there is a bank of phones in random places that offer free long distance anywhere in the country. Sadly the advent of cell phones has rendered me unable to remember anyone’s number.
After walking through concessions and the pro shop, I see the course itself. It’s kind of like walking through all those shops at Disneyworld. The Magic Kingdom is off in the distance, in this case the leaderboard, and as soon as you get out into the clearing its sort of overwhelming which way to go because people are walking everywhere.
I choose to wander aimlessly and look at some holes as people who have no hope of winning are playing out the string. The first thing that strikes me is that golfers aren’t all that big, I know that’s not shocking news, but even folks who are supposed to be big like Cabrera aren’t.
As I survey the course, the color of green is striking, nothing faded (even the gravel cart path is dyed green) and the grass looks perfect (though trampled after seven days of public access). The azaleas are blooming, and the sand traps are whiter than any Caribbean Beach.
As I see some guys tee off and shoot irons, I’m struck by the fact the sound off the club is not the booming blast it sounds on tv, it’s a simple sound any average guy who hits the ball square can make. However as it whizzes by your head it’s a little unnerving, even though you know its not hitting you.
I head over to the 10th hole and watch a couple groups including Bubba Watson, who is clad in a teal shirt and plaid pants, while sporting a driver that has a hot pink shaft. I have no joke here, I think it speaks for itself.
D.J. Trahan (didn’t know who he was before today either) has a caddy who was sporting a Green Monster sox shirt under the painters coveralls caddies wear. Now one would think this would make him a reasonably friendly or affable man at least to a fellow Sox fan, one would be wrong.
The prevalence of Sox hats throughout the golf course was incredible. I think only Georgia hats were more common (aside from Masters and golf company hats) and not by much. I saw Sox hats of all types, including a Titleist hat with a Sox logo, truly a nation we have on our hands perhaps we can talk to Jerry Remy about a possible secession.
Viva La Revolucion!!!!
I briefly watch Tiger on the practice green. He drills five quick short putts, which only frustrates me more about my short game. However, those are the last five good putts he hits all day.
Had I been made aware of the amount of attractive women who inhabit golf tournaments, I might have applied myself earlier in life. At the very least I think these are things parents should be doing, that’s why Earl Woods superglued clubs to Tiger’s hands. He saw a future Swedish model daughter in law, fame and fortune were secondary. Further proof I was shortchanged growing up.
I choose to follow the group of Tiger and Phil Mickelson, and if they fall out of contention I’ll veer back and check out the final group. But also because nobody pays the big bucks to see Kenny Perry or Angel Cabrera do anything
Tiger opens his round in much the same way I probably would have, by carrying it over the gallery somewhere. Unlike me his second shot carries a tree and lands near the pin to save par.
My first sight of Phil Mickelson, all I could think of as the line in Tommy Boy, “the camera adds a couple of…hundred pounds.”
He’s not all that big, and certainly not pudgy at least not in person. However the pinstriped pants have him looking like a goofy European.
I’m not a fashion cop by any means, but between the fans and golfers, who thinks some of these look good? I saw a guy with gold sneakers, and a magenta collared shirt (collar up), really I demand an investigation.
Mickelson starts a birdie barrage on two, three, five and six and is walking like he knows he’s in a zone.
His par three tee shot on six that sailed over my head and onto the green next to the pin was amazing to see. The crowd is now cheering everything Phil does, including successfully walking from shot to shot.
He’s at seven under and making a real charge, I’m morally obligated to root for any lefty golfer, and this group has gotten interesting and into contention.
In the least improper golf attire for a fan contest, the tattooed white guy in the KG Celtics jersey seems a little out of place, a close second is the bandwagon fan in the Rays jersey.
That strut of Phil’s stopped briefly when he Winged Foot (yes it’s a verb meaning to find the woods with your drive in a major championship while in contention, hey my blog, my rules of grammar). However he hits an incredible iron that drops within two feet of the pin in front of me.
The fact I recognize Jim Furyk by sight from 75 yards away, just proves I watch too much Sportscenter.
Tiger is struggling and jokes are flying in the gallery as Phil has upstaged him, and is smiling ear to ear. I can’t help but wonder when the collapse will come. Tiger flips his putter in frustration after missing a putt on seven. I don’t know by how much because once the pin is gone, I can’t ever find the hole.
Through seven holes, I have yet to perfect the somber golf clap, which is sort of the obligatory applaud after making an easy tap in after failing to make the important putt. Veteran golf fans seem project a monotone boom after a disappointing hole.
I have however perfected the boisterous shriek after Mickelson does something well. His following is getting a little Happy Gilmore-esque.
I elect to get a drink and not follow the duo to eight, like Ron Burgundy I regret this immediately as I see Tiger nail a long eagle putt from the ninth green roughly 700 yards away kinda like being in the opposite endzone at Gillette.
Mickelson again Winged Foots a tee shot seeming a little rattled after Tiger’s eagle. He follows that by finding the bunker from the woods, however he saves par.
While I applaud excellent play, I have to say I enjoy the sufferings of professional golfers and in particular I love seeing a shot that rolls all the way down a steep slope, or a putt that rolls all the way off the green. I get to see Heidi Watney’s anorexic gangly cousin Watney putt one off the ninth, and Mickelson come up short on an approach. I’m sadistic I know, but I feel as though others should feel my pain sometime.
I jump all the way to Amen Corner which is an absolute mob scene, albeit the most polite mob on earth, as everyone says excuse me and genuinely cares about other’s sightlines (this will change later)
Despite the oversized gallery nobody is watching Watney or Stephen Ames play the par 3 12th.
The sightlines at 11 and 12 are among the best in all of the golf world, absolutely the perfect place to play golf. I’m simply not a good enough writer to adequately describe it.
Mickelson has now added a new shot to future Major blog verbiage, as he Augusta’s his tee shot on the 12th rolling it into the water for a double bogey.
At the same time someone nearly kills the gallery with an approach onto 11, and nobody even turns their head to look.
Leaderboard watching is now a common pastime, and the anticipation as the hand operated scoreboards are updated is exciting, this time the crowd roars as Cabrera bogeys
All over the course are club officials who also wear green jackets. Nevermind that it’s 70 degrees, and they’re clearly wearing them to show the world they’re important. I briefly ponder whether I could accost one, steal his jacket and make it out of there.
After wondering how the cops will react, I decide that given the medieval ways Georgia cops enforce traffic laws, stealing an green jacket is likely a death penalty offense here.
After 12 holes I decide golf is far more suited for television. The interminable length with which people take to line up putts is annoying enough, but Tiger just stared at the pin on 12 as if he could telepathically move it if he stared hard enough.
The fact all that dogwood didn't make me sneeze once during a putting sequence is a minor miracle.
The Mickelson brigade has hit the skids following the double bogey, but Tiger is making a push. From my vantage point on 14 I find myself standing next to his old swing coach, the legendary Butch Harmon.
He can barely watch as Tiger drills an approach, and again he looks away as his former pupil just misses a putt.
After both finish 14, someone near me asks “is anyone following the leaders?”
Harmon quickly provides the line of the day as he deadpanned “only their wives.”
I can’t help but wonder if Perry is playing so mistake free because there’s no pressure on him, since virtually everyone is following Phil and Tiger. Soon thereafter I had my answer.
Both Phil and Tiger miss golden eagle opportunities on 15 and Tiger’s birdie on 16 leaves them both one back heading to the final two holes. My adrenaline is racing as people hustle to get a good view of 17. It’s here I discover that running is not allowed at Augusta National. (insert standard Lee Corso “not so fast my friend” joke here _______).
The security guards who bark out "walk please" look like every retired lunchlady hall monitor I ever encountered in junior high. Only at Augusta can senior citizen women be adequate security.
I swear to God I wasn’t the guy who ran onto the course and did a snow angle in the bunker on 17. I did however have to explain to two southerners what a Snow Angel was, and invoking the name of Lonnie Paxton only complicated matters.
Tiger played 18 this week like Roy McAvoy in the movie Tin Cup, the only thing missing today was him asking his Kiwi Caddy (who has a hilarious accent, of which I don’t understand how Tiger can focus when he talks) for another ball. He capped this real life cinematic nightmare by hitting a tree. When the ball made contact with that tree it made a crack I’ve only heard when Manny Ramirez and David Ortiz take batting practice.
It’s apparently contagious as Mickelson finds the bunker on 18. Perhaps his caddy should tell him they play 19 holes on the final day of Major Championships from here on out.
For 16 holes this was an incredible event to watch unfold. Both guys seemed to try to one up each other and made the other step his game up, and usually they did. It was anything you can do I can do better.
Then the final two holes, they played a version of anything you can I can do crappier.
I am dead tired and decide to head toward the exit and beat some traffic. But the fact that I hadn’t actually seen the leader take a shot made me turn around and walk to 17. I can hear the roar of what was Perry’s incredible tee shot on 16, as the scores change I assume its over, but I arrive to 17 in time to see Kenny Perry bogey, as Cabrera saves a par.
Perry bogeys 18 and it’s on to a three way playoff. As the players make their way back up 18 the politeness of earlier has gone completely out the window as the rich folks who have seats in front of the green refuse to sit down sparking a large shouting match, that us plebeians eventually won out.
The views of the playoff I had were great, at least until Perry’s approach on the second playoff sailed deep into the woods. I was pulling for Perry once Phil and Tiger faded but to get to see great golf was a privilege.
I take issue with Masters fans being the best in golf as some have said, as I was floored to the parking lot more than half empty after the playoff was over.
Championship golf is definitely best suited for television and perhaps that's where many fans went to see the final stages unfold, but I’d encourage anyone to go spend a day at Augusta and experience the roar of the crowd as a huge putt goes down, and the cataclysmic groan as a shot falls just short.
It truly is a tradition and a sporting event unlike any other I have attended.
Thursday, April 09, 2009
Tossing Batting Practice….while wondering if there are any other words to the One Shining Moment song besides "One shining Moment"
All in all the tournament sucked from start to finish, and I’m not saying this cause I’m bitter I didn’t win a pool for the second year in a row. (the longest such streak in my life, I too may have to fire Billy Gillespie, and hire someone new to fill out my brackets).
The actual final CBS montage should have been a perpetual loop of Scottie Reynolds going the length of the floor to beat Pitt, since thats the only thing anyone will remember about this tournament.
The title game was so thoroughly uninteresting I was watching reruns of Family Guy and My Name is Earl by the time it was 14-7.
Saturday night I had the odd experience of walking into what turned out to be a Michigan St. bar for the semifinal game, and being the only UConn fan in the bar. I was happy for the Spartans but the 20 straight minutes I was subjected to the school song in the bar quickly proved to be annoying.
I have always hated North Carolina, I guess because I’ve been a Duke fan for a long time, but its also because I think Roy Williams’ whole folksy, dag gum it routine is a sham. I’m sure he really does act that way but to be honest, I like Jim Calhoun for all the reasons people don’t like him. He’s rude, and ornery, and quite frankly, he’s real. I feel Roy is a fake.
I was hoping that Villanova could pull off the upset Saturday, and get some revenge from the 2005 Sweet 16 in which they were robbed. With under 10 seconds to go Allan Ray drove to the bucket was fouled and hit a shot, only the whistle was blown for a phantom travel.
Only two people in the entire arena thought he traveled, the official, and Jason Harrington; bad officiating defender extraordinaire. Despite his presence as an oxymoronic (emphasis on the moronic) Millitary Intelligence officer, Jay would vehemently defend Osama Bin Laden against a bad call, if Osama were a fellow basketball official.
Jay and I along with Guiney were privileged to be in the Carrier Dome that night. Sort of. We were so far away it was hard to tell dark blue from sky blue, but regardless. UNC went on to win the national title, but I still say I was robbed from seeing one of the great upsets in tourney history that night.
Alas, Saturday night Villanova was just another in a long line of overmatched teams in this tournament, against UNC.
Despite my disdain for the Tar Heels I did enjoy watching them play this year, their fast break was impressive, and honestly, when they wanted to play defense they were as good as anybody in the country. Yes I am a huge basketball nerd.
It’s not often you can witness the peak of a person’s life come to an end, but when the scoreboard hit triple zeroes, the real world came calling for Tyler Hansbrough who will never be able to replicate his popularity for the last four years.
Hey Tim Tebow, hope you were watching, cause you’ll be experiencing the same thing next January.
I have long been a defender of the Globe, and while I won’t get into the whole issue about its potential demise, its stories like the one about the Vermont athletic director, who as the headline states “fosters a state of excellence” that makes the average person realize they too could be a sports writer or editor with seemingly no training.
For those of you who don’t know, UVM dropped a pair of spring sports earlier this year. It’s sad that it happened, but to laud an AD who is lucky enough to have a hockey program in the Frozen Four, as fostering excellence is kind of like George Bush proclaiming economic growth as unemployment skyrockets.
Monday was opening day, kind of. But even in Georgia it felt like the start of baseball season was here, after all it was cloudy and overcast, 43 degrees with a stiff wind that cut right through you. It felt like home.
Wednesday night I finally got to catch a Sox game, courtesy of the free baseball package preview, I can honestly say I was a little too excited to see a WB Mason commercial for the first time in three months. And there was something homely about the sound of Don and Jerry. Since I was priced out of Fenway long ago, the sights and sounds of the ballpark no longer indicate Opening Day, its commercials and Heidi Watney that tell me its spring time again.
So in game 2 of 162 I got a taunting text message about the Sox losing from a couple of Braves fans down here. I have to admire their incredibly poor timing and the faithfulness as many are convinced they can make a run this year if their young bullpen comes through. Well that young bullpen today blew a seven run lead in the seventh while walking in four runs with the bases loaded.
Might want to work on that timing Braves fans because your insults only make me laugh.
I am desperately trying to find a ticket to go to the Masters this weekend but since I might have to sell my first born it probably won’t happen, but instead I could attend the state Grits festival on Saturday, which I was informed three separate times in the 10 minutes I listened to the radio today.
All in all the tournament sucked from start to finish, and I’m not saying this cause I’m bitter I didn’t win a pool for the second year in a row. (the longest such streak in my life, I too may have to fire Billy Gillespie, and hire someone new to fill out my brackets).
The actual final CBS montage should have been a perpetual loop of Scottie Reynolds going the length of the floor to beat Pitt, since thats the only thing anyone will remember about this tournament.
The title game was so thoroughly uninteresting I was watching reruns of Family Guy and My Name is Earl by the time it was 14-7.
Saturday night I had the odd experience of walking into what turned out to be a Michigan St. bar for the semifinal game, and being the only UConn fan in the bar. I was happy for the Spartans but the 20 straight minutes I was subjected to the school song in the bar quickly proved to be annoying.
I have always hated North Carolina, I guess because I’ve been a Duke fan for a long time, but its also because I think Roy Williams’ whole folksy, dag gum it routine is a sham. I’m sure he really does act that way but to be honest, I like Jim Calhoun for all the reasons people don’t like him. He’s rude, and ornery, and quite frankly, he’s real. I feel Roy is a fake.
I was hoping that Villanova could pull off the upset Saturday, and get some revenge from the 2005 Sweet 16 in which they were robbed. With under 10 seconds to go Allan Ray drove to the bucket was fouled and hit a shot, only the whistle was blown for a phantom travel.
Only two people in the entire arena thought he traveled, the official, and Jason Harrington; bad officiating defender extraordinaire. Despite his presence as an oxymoronic (emphasis on the moronic) Millitary Intelligence officer, Jay would vehemently defend Osama Bin Laden against a bad call, if Osama were a fellow basketball official.
Jay and I along with Guiney were privileged to be in the Carrier Dome that night. Sort of. We were so far away it was hard to tell dark blue from sky blue, but regardless. UNC went on to win the national title, but I still say I was robbed from seeing one of the great upsets in tourney history that night.
Alas, Saturday night Villanova was just another in a long line of overmatched teams in this tournament, against UNC.
Despite my disdain for the Tar Heels I did enjoy watching them play this year, their fast break was impressive, and honestly, when they wanted to play defense they were as good as anybody in the country. Yes I am a huge basketball nerd.
It’s not often you can witness the peak of a person’s life come to an end, but when the scoreboard hit triple zeroes, the real world came calling for Tyler Hansbrough who will never be able to replicate his popularity for the last four years.
Hey Tim Tebow, hope you were watching, cause you’ll be experiencing the same thing next January.
I have long been a defender of the Globe, and while I won’t get into the whole issue about its potential demise, its stories like the one about the Vermont athletic director, who as the headline states “fosters a state of excellence” that makes the average person realize they too could be a sports writer or editor with seemingly no training.
For those of you who don’t know, UVM dropped a pair of spring sports earlier this year. It’s sad that it happened, but to laud an AD who is lucky enough to have a hockey program in the Frozen Four, as fostering excellence is kind of like George Bush proclaiming economic growth as unemployment skyrockets.
Monday was opening day, kind of. But even in Georgia it felt like the start of baseball season was here, after all it was cloudy and overcast, 43 degrees with a stiff wind that cut right through you. It felt like home.
Wednesday night I finally got to catch a Sox game, courtesy of the free baseball package preview, I can honestly say I was a little too excited to see a WB Mason commercial for the first time in three months. And there was something homely about the sound of Don and Jerry. Since I was priced out of Fenway long ago, the sights and sounds of the ballpark no longer indicate Opening Day, its commercials and Heidi Watney that tell me its spring time again.
So in game 2 of 162 I got a taunting text message about the Sox losing from a couple of Braves fans down here. I have to admire their incredibly poor timing and the faithfulness as many are convinced they can make a run this year if their young bullpen comes through. Well that young bullpen today blew a seven run lead in the seventh while walking in four runs with the bases loaded.
Might want to work on that timing Braves fans because your insults only make me laugh.
I am desperately trying to find a ticket to go to the Masters this weekend but since I might have to sell my first born it probably won’t happen, but instead I could attend the state Grits festival on Saturday, which I was informed three separate times in the 10 minutes I listened to the radio today.
Saturday, April 04, 2009
Tossing Batting Practice….like a demoted middle reliever wearing number 79 now plying my trade in a remote outpost like…well Rural Northeast Georgia…
It’s the baseball preview edition here, live from Deliverance. The college hoops regionals were thoroughly uninteresting, and we’ve kind of hit a brief lull in sports, thus the reason why it’s late Friday night and I am eagerly awaiting baseball season to start, so I can sit on my couch and watch games until 2am on a nightly basis.
I am going to attempt to successfully, and snidely preview each and every team briefly, while predicting their order of finish. The over/under on words is 3000.
We’ll start with the junior varsity, I mean the National League.
NL EAST Champion - NY Mets (the rest are in order of finish)
NY Mets – Honestly it wasn’t until the addition of Gary Sheffield did I feel confident of this pick, but let’s be honest, a volatile me-first over the hill aging superstar, adding to a team that has self destructed two years in a row under the weight of their own selfishness and fan expectations…I think this is a match made in heaven.
Biggest Question – Is David Wright fluent in Spanish?
PHILADELPHIA – I am not ready to live in a world where the phrase “defending champion Philadelphia” is a common recurrence, but alas such is the case. I can’t name three Phillies starters, nor a single middle reliever and I’m pretty sure Brad Lidge won’t be perfect again. (that’s the kind of in depth analysis you get here)
Burning Question – What is the statute of limitations before Philly Fans venom comes out in full force?
ATLANTA – The good news, bars aren’t open on Sunday’s here in Bible country, bad news, they’re open til 4am otherwise. Good luck with Derek Lowe guys, really. They’re an odd mix of young potential stars, and decrepit former stars a pretty good everyday lineup but no pitching at all.
Burning Question – At what age are you too old to be referred to as Chipper?
FLORIDA – Hanley Ramirez is awesome, Ricky Nolasco is pretty damn good, but there are 23 other guys on the roster, of whom cannot be described as either awesome, or pretty damn good.
Burning Question – Who ever thought this franchise was a good idea? South Florida, humidity, and constant threat of rain, doesn’t really equate to the fan experience.
WASHINGTON – If they hadn’t just built a new stadium I’d start to think they were pulling a Major League here, and trying to lose on purpose, though the addition of Adam Dunn reeks of the Jack Parkman addition in Major League II.
Burning Question - Is it possible the Lerner family is more inept at running a franchise than MLB was?
NL Central Champion – Chicago Cubs
CHICAGO – The rest of this division sucks, but so does this whole league. The Cubs have good starting pitching, a solid bullpen and a pretty good lineup. The craziness factor is upped a little with Milton Bradley being added.
Burning Question – When did Cubs fans become so miserable? They are really starting to become the standard bearer of the fellowship of the miserable, especially as Boston and Philly have become champions in this decade.
(At this point I put three names in a hat and pulled them out to determine order)
MILAWUKEE – After mortgaging their future, and going all in to extend their season a week and earn the right to play 166 games the Brewers will come back to earth a bit this year. The fact Jeff Suppan is their staff “ace” has a lot to do with that.
Burning Question – Is there a more dangerous combination to long term health than the food in Milwaukee, and Prince Fielder’s metabolism and appetite?
CINCINATTI – They seem to be the popular sleeper pick, but only if they drug Dusty Baker into a permanent sleep and run the team themselves. The Red have immense young talent in the lineup, and corpse of Ken Griffey is no longer stinking up the Center Field area. Jay Bruce and Joey Votto are the great white hopes for a city that could really use some good. However, I cannot root for a team that gave America Joe Morgan, professional baseball announcer extraordinaire.
Burning Question – Alex Gonzalez is really going to bat second for these guys? After double checking to make sure it was the same one (I mean its kind of like the Spanish John Smith) it is one and the same. Third place seems right.
ST. LOUIS – Had they spent the money and added Manny Ramirez a division title would be in the Cards (those are the kind of poor puns that show I have professional sports writing experience) instead they’ve got Pujols, and a whole lot of ifs. Rick Ankiel is exciting, and they have a guy named Skip leading off.
Burning Question –Most would think its “who will be the closer” but personally I wonder if Chris Carpenter or Bob Tewksbury has had the better career with the Cardinals for a starting pitcher born in New Hampshire.
HOUSTON – They were god awful in spring training, and Roy Oswalt did a terrific job of landing himself on a potential homegrown terrorist watch list with the way he disrespected his country in his performance in the WBC. In Japan he would have been asked to kill himself honorably.
Burning question – Do Lance Berkman and Carlos Lee have to stand on opposite ends of the field so it doesn’t tilt? Those two would be a great tackle/tight end combo to run behind for the Texans.
PITTSBURGH – There is nothing redeeming about even researching this team, though my brief review I learned that pitcher Paul Maholm is not the same former Twins prospect (that was Pat Mahomes). Good news Craig Hansen won’t be able to piss off an entire fan base unless he takes Ben Roethlisberger for a motorcycle ride.
Burning Question – How many home games will have a smaller attendance than the first day of Steelers training camp in Latrobe?
NL WEST Champion – LA Dodgers
LOS ANGELES – I’m contractually obligated to pick the Dodgers, so says my boss. The Dodgers have the best lineup in the division, and the best bullpen, but they’ll need better starting pitching Pedro Martinez is a natural fit, but for some strange reason Frank McCourt is cheaping out, perhaps he forgot Petey is an Ex-Red Sox, which he seems to collect like living baseball cards. It even extends to the minors, where former Sox John Valentin and Danny Darwin are managers in the system.
Burning Question – Will I watch more Dodger or Red Sox games this year courtesy of the baseball package? The Sox are the safer bet, but the Dodgers are on at a more convenient late night time.
ARIZONA – They have the best starting pitching, and potentially the best lineup if Justin Upton and Stephen Drew have breakout years, but they don’t hit for average well, and may struggle to score runs without leaving the ballpark. Their bullpen is also a big question mark at the moment. Regardless this could be the best race of the summer.
Burning Question – How is Tony Clark still employed in the big leagues? He was D-U-N done in 2002, yet he’s managed to survive seven more years, who does he have incriminating photos of?
SAN FRANCISCO – They have the best 1-2 punch in the league in Cain and Lincecum, but how the Giants will score runs is a bigger question then how did Seal nab Heidi Klum. The first team to score twice, might be the winner each time the Giants play.
Pablo Sandoval seems like a jovial fat baby Ortiz type figure to root for. Upon further review projected third hitter Fred Lewis is not a former Boston Bruins coach, and the rest of the lineup is pretty unknown too.
Burning Question – Is there a starker contrast between any two lefties in baseball history than Randy Johnson and Barry Zito?
COLORADO – Clearly Jesus-loving Clint Hurdle and the rest of the Pious Rockies sold their souls to someone to make the 2007 World Series, and the sudden repentance the Lord has forced the Rox to pay is life in baseball purgatory, not as bad as the Padres, but not good enough to play .500 ball all summer and stay in the race.
Burning Question – Boy those Troy Tulowitzki/Derek Jeter comparisons stopped pretty fast huh?
SAN DIEGO – By default they’ll win 60 games and lose 60 games, but the other 60 that determine a season, well the Padres could lose 55 of them. They have a worse offense than the Giants, and play in the Grand Canyon, but their pitching is atrocious too, and I’m pretty sure Alphabetically you’ll find Jake Peavey right after Oswalt on that potential home grown terrorist watch list thanks to the WBC.
Burning Question – This team isn’t interesting enough to have a burning question, and too many holes to limit things to just one. Perhaps the larger question, why doesn't everyone live in San Diego fits here?
AMERICAN LEAGUE (aka the Varsity)
The AL East is down the bottom so you either have to read the whole thing, or be inconvenienced enough to have to scroll down to the end.
AL CENTRAL CHAMPION – Cleveland Indians
CLEVELAND – I feel like the Devil Rays should be moved to this division, just to add a team that doesn’t suck completely. But the Indians will win it by default. Cliff Lee will not repeat last year, but the rest of their rotation is decent enough given the lineup they’ll trot out every night.
Burning Question – Will Carl Pavano exceed the number of Yankee starts he made by A) Mother’s Day B) Memorial Day C) Labor Day?
DETROIT – This team will make a run only because it will screw ownership. They’re banking on a poor start and then a fire sale of Marlins proportions, but they have the pitching and a decent enough lineup to stay in the race but their bullpen sucks, and will ultimately be their undoing, sometime in August after the deadline, where they’ll still be on the hook for all those big guns they didn’t trade.
Burning Question – Given Joel Zumaya’s injury history with Guitar Hero, is there a team policy banning use of the Wii?
MINNESOTA – Joe Mauer is hurt again, and thus they’ll be a middle of the pack team. They have a great bullpen, but not enough starting pitching and a thin lineup.
Burning Question – Honestly I got nothing here, I even waited until the end in hopes of coming up with something, but hey 29 out of 30 isnt bad right?
CHICAGO – Sorry Guiney, but this team will underachieve. They are aging slow and one dimensional in the middle of the lineup, and young and inexperienced at the top and bottom. Their bullpen could be good with the addition of Linebrink, but their rotation has some question marks mainly the age of Jose Contreras, and the weight of Bartolo Colon.
Burning Question – If Ozzie Guillen tips over the postgame spread in a tirade, would Bartolo Colon resort to cannibalism?
KANSAS CITY – It seems fitting that Kyle Farnsworth was jettisoned to baseball Siberia, but I feel for Coco Crisp. The rest of the Royals roster is interesting (ok, only mildly), could be good, could be awful. Alex Gordon is supposed to be on the verge of a breakout season, and allegedly Zach Greinke is a star in the making. I read more about the Royals in the last five minutes, than in the last 5 years, so take it for what its worth.
Burning Question – Why do people even attend their games? It’s hot as hell there, it’s a crappy stadium, and a worse product.
AL WEST Champion- California and Surrounding counties and territories Angels
LOS ANGELES/ANAHEIM/ORANGE COUNTY/ SOUTH CENTRAL/LONG BEACH
I don’t want to be accused of leaving something out. Anyway, the Angels are the favorite here because everyone else has more questions. Abreu is the steal of the offseason at his pricetag, but Guerrero is looking and walking like Earl Campbell more and more every day. The rotation is in shambles right now due to injury, and the bullpen has a few questions as well. The addition of Fuentes helps, anchor with Arredondo who was impressive last October.
Burning Question – “Will I…be able…to play….softball…tomorrow???” “No by tomorrow you’ll barely be able to breathe.”
Aside from the miraculous recovery from acute radiation poisoning suffered during a guest spot on the Simpsons, why does Mike Scoisia get so much love? He’s short tempered, whiny, and growing more ornery by the day while not having won anything important in years. Food for thought that’s all.
OAKLAND – I love them to maybe win the division, but then I honestly questioned whether or not the other four projected starters after Duchscherer were made up names. Plus if they stumble early they’ll also be selling like the Marlins after a world title. The A’s have good young pitching, and apparently focus on defense more now, but the offense is still a question. The additions of Giambi and Holiday are a step in the right direction, but Holliday may be a system (Coors Field) guy, and Giambi wont have the short porch in right to lean on.
Burning Question – Will the number of smiles Nomar cracks be less than or equal to the number of at-bats he gets a week. (please show your work in determining this calculation)
TEXAS – They’re playing out the string already. Offensively they are solid, but not what they have been in the past. They still have a bad rotation and even crappier bullpen so I wouldn’t expect much beyond the usual 11-8 slugfest, though they’d probably win the NL Central or West going away.
Burning Question – As Jason Varitek’s batting average drops lower than his weight, and Clay Bucholz’s ERA at Pawtucket, drops lower than Heidi Watney’s weight, how many days a week will the names of Saltalamachia, and Teagarden appear in the Globe and Herald?
SEATTLE – King Felix Hernandez, and Erik Bedard will make this team interesting to watch for the first 105 pitches of games when the Mariners are in the field twice a week, otherwise, the Moose (which never seemed to make sense as a mascot to me) becomes the most exciting aspect about the Mariners. The calcification and decaying of the corpse of Ken Griffey (who ceases to be “junior” when he turns 35) in center field might be a fun way to waste a summer if you’re a Mariner season ticket holder in the bleachers.
Burning Question – Did Ichiro’s ulcer come from the stress of representing Japan in the WBC or the impending doom of having to go back to the Mariners and get his ass kicked all season?
AL EAST Champion – Satan
NY YANKEES – There is no way this team doesn’t win the division. Joe Girardi sees the national unemployment rate of 8.5% and knows he doesn’t want to be calling the department of workforce development any time soon. Thus, he’ll have the pedal to the metal all season long, likely making life miserable for this team come late August, and into September. But I think they still win the Division by taking the shortsighted view of feeling as though they have to do everything to win every game, as opposed to playing for October, they’ll be playing to get to October.
There are legitimate lineup questions, and defensive issues, as well as bullpen queries. But I think the rotation is built for the regular season, and they’ll plenty of runs.
Burning Question – How will this team take ARod back? Since he left they were basically camp tranquility and quietly won the most games in Florida. How he assimilates back to the ballclub will go a long way toward how far they go into October.
BOSTON – The Sox have a ton of pitching on paper, but question marks within that. How will Penny, and Smoltz hold up, what kind of Wakefield are we getting, can Bucholz be the dominant force he’s shown flashes of? The Bullpen might be as good as its been in my lifetime, but its always a crapshoot. I just don’t think there’s enough offense right now. If Ellsbury shows improvement and Varitek can hit his weight, and Drew plays 135 games, and Ortiz hits for some power, and Lowell returns to some form all bets are off. But that’s a lot of ifs. Pedroia and Youkilis are the only sure things so to speak in the lineup, but I want to see a little more out of them before I’m a total believer. (the sudden downfall of Nomar, and the vast overrating of hometowners Troy O’Leary, and John Valentin leave me skeptical, along with the inherent Red Sox fan trait to always expect the other shoe to drop)
They are in great position to acquire someone in a fire sale, but where will they play? Center Field and Shortstop are the only place and neither Hanley Ramirez or Grady Sizemore are walking through that door. Fortunately I am a ploythiestic worshipper and while that makes me a heathen down south, "In Theo and Tito I trust" to make the right decisions and put this team in position to win.
Burning question – I think we covered all 13 of them above, and this team was so bland during spring training I don’t even have anything witty to snark at. Ok, how bout this one; am I the only 2009 baseball preview in America that featured two separate references to John Valentin? I vote yes.
TAMPA BAY – The Rays lineup is probably the best in the Division, at least with ARod out, but there are legitimate questions about their pitching. The pitching staff can go one of two ways. They can continue to make the leap and become the 1990s Braves, in which case we’re all playing for second and a wild card berth. Or they can fall back to earth a bit, as the toll last season took rears its ugly head the following season as it is often wont to do (see, Foulke, Keith; Beckett, Josh; Indians, 2007). I think the latter is the more likely scenario. They will score a ton of runs, but they Rays don’t have the depth to fill pitching holes if injuries, fatigue and poor execution set in. In an age of pitch counts and innings maximums for young pitchers, the Rays pitchers exceeded all of them last season, and I think it’s a reasonable prospect to expect them to plateau a little. In any other division they could get over this and probably still run away and hide, but not in the AL East.
Burning Question – Now that he’s making good money and a well respected Manager, what exactly is stopping Joe Maddon from getting laser eye surgery, those glasses send off more of a Kennedy Administration Cabinet member circa the Cuban Missile Crisis, than it does AL Manager of the year.
TORONTO – Any former manager who calls Roger Clemens an As**ole is ok in my book, score one for Cito Gaston. However, that might be the only thing Cito and his boys score this season. Once again the Jays could be a contender anywhere else, but will lose 90 games in the revamped AL East. They have one solid starter, two solid hitters, and one solid closer. A good core, but not enough in this Division.
Burning Question – Not so much for the Jays but about them, whoever struggles with this team will be on the outside looking in come playoff time.
BALTIMORE – There is absolutely no redeeming quality about this team until they call up prized prospect Matt Wieters, who is some sort of catcher superhero by all accounts, but unless he can pitch, catch, and bat in all nine positions the O’s will still suck, they’ll just be intriguing to fantasy players who draft Wieters in a keeper league.
Burning Question – How many times will centerfielder Adam Jones be mistaken for miscreant pond scum unemployed punt returner Adam Jones?
And that’s my regular season predicted order of finish, I would love some comments about my baseball intellect (won’t hold my breath on that one) or idiocy, and your Division winners are also welcome.
Also if anyone is reading this is interest in putting together a fantasy baseball league shoot me an email (or a phone call if you have the bat phone number) and I’ll set something up.
It’s the baseball preview edition here, live from Deliverance. The college hoops regionals were thoroughly uninteresting, and we’ve kind of hit a brief lull in sports, thus the reason why it’s late Friday night and I am eagerly awaiting baseball season to start, so I can sit on my couch and watch games until 2am on a nightly basis.
I am going to attempt to successfully, and snidely preview each and every team briefly, while predicting their order of finish. The over/under on words is 3000.
We’ll start with the junior varsity, I mean the National League.
NL EAST Champion - NY Mets (the rest are in order of finish)
NY Mets – Honestly it wasn’t until the addition of Gary Sheffield did I feel confident of this pick, but let’s be honest, a volatile me-first over the hill aging superstar, adding to a team that has self destructed two years in a row under the weight of their own selfishness and fan expectations…I think this is a match made in heaven.
Biggest Question – Is David Wright fluent in Spanish?
PHILADELPHIA – I am not ready to live in a world where the phrase “defending champion Philadelphia” is a common recurrence, but alas such is the case. I can’t name three Phillies starters, nor a single middle reliever and I’m pretty sure Brad Lidge won’t be perfect again. (that’s the kind of in depth analysis you get here)
Burning Question – What is the statute of limitations before Philly Fans venom comes out in full force?
ATLANTA – The good news, bars aren’t open on Sunday’s here in Bible country, bad news, they’re open til 4am otherwise. Good luck with Derek Lowe guys, really. They’re an odd mix of young potential stars, and decrepit former stars a pretty good everyday lineup but no pitching at all.
Burning Question – At what age are you too old to be referred to as Chipper?
FLORIDA – Hanley Ramirez is awesome, Ricky Nolasco is pretty damn good, but there are 23 other guys on the roster, of whom cannot be described as either awesome, or pretty damn good.
Burning Question – Who ever thought this franchise was a good idea? South Florida, humidity, and constant threat of rain, doesn’t really equate to the fan experience.
WASHINGTON – If they hadn’t just built a new stadium I’d start to think they were pulling a Major League here, and trying to lose on purpose, though the addition of Adam Dunn reeks of the Jack Parkman addition in Major League II.
Burning Question - Is it possible the Lerner family is more inept at running a franchise than MLB was?
NL Central Champion – Chicago Cubs
CHICAGO – The rest of this division sucks, but so does this whole league. The Cubs have good starting pitching, a solid bullpen and a pretty good lineup. The craziness factor is upped a little with Milton Bradley being added.
Burning Question – When did Cubs fans become so miserable? They are really starting to become the standard bearer of the fellowship of the miserable, especially as Boston and Philly have become champions in this decade.
(At this point I put three names in a hat and pulled them out to determine order)
MILAWUKEE – After mortgaging their future, and going all in to extend their season a week and earn the right to play 166 games the Brewers will come back to earth a bit this year. The fact Jeff Suppan is their staff “ace” has a lot to do with that.
Burning Question – Is there a more dangerous combination to long term health than the food in Milwaukee, and Prince Fielder’s metabolism and appetite?
CINCINATTI – They seem to be the popular sleeper pick, but only if they drug Dusty Baker into a permanent sleep and run the team themselves. The Red have immense young talent in the lineup, and corpse of Ken Griffey is no longer stinking up the Center Field area. Jay Bruce and Joey Votto are the great white hopes for a city that could really use some good. However, I cannot root for a team that gave America Joe Morgan, professional baseball announcer extraordinaire.
Burning Question – Alex Gonzalez is really going to bat second for these guys? After double checking to make sure it was the same one (I mean its kind of like the Spanish John Smith) it is one and the same. Third place seems right.
ST. LOUIS – Had they spent the money and added Manny Ramirez a division title would be in the Cards (those are the kind of poor puns that show I have professional sports writing experience) instead they’ve got Pujols, and a whole lot of ifs. Rick Ankiel is exciting, and they have a guy named Skip leading off.
Burning Question –Most would think its “who will be the closer” but personally I wonder if Chris Carpenter or Bob Tewksbury has had the better career with the Cardinals for a starting pitcher born in New Hampshire.
HOUSTON – They were god awful in spring training, and Roy Oswalt did a terrific job of landing himself on a potential homegrown terrorist watch list with the way he disrespected his country in his performance in the WBC. In Japan he would have been asked to kill himself honorably.
Burning question – Do Lance Berkman and Carlos Lee have to stand on opposite ends of the field so it doesn’t tilt? Those two would be a great tackle/tight end combo to run behind for the Texans.
PITTSBURGH – There is nothing redeeming about even researching this team, though my brief review I learned that pitcher Paul Maholm is not the same former Twins prospect (that was Pat Mahomes). Good news Craig Hansen won’t be able to piss off an entire fan base unless he takes Ben Roethlisberger for a motorcycle ride.
Burning Question – How many home games will have a smaller attendance than the first day of Steelers training camp in Latrobe?
NL WEST Champion – LA Dodgers
LOS ANGELES – I’m contractually obligated to pick the Dodgers, so says my boss. The Dodgers have the best lineup in the division, and the best bullpen, but they’ll need better starting pitching Pedro Martinez is a natural fit, but for some strange reason Frank McCourt is cheaping out, perhaps he forgot Petey is an Ex-Red Sox, which he seems to collect like living baseball cards. It even extends to the minors, where former Sox John Valentin and Danny Darwin are managers in the system.
Burning Question – Will I watch more Dodger or Red Sox games this year courtesy of the baseball package? The Sox are the safer bet, but the Dodgers are on at a more convenient late night time.
ARIZONA – They have the best starting pitching, and potentially the best lineup if Justin Upton and Stephen Drew have breakout years, but they don’t hit for average well, and may struggle to score runs without leaving the ballpark. Their bullpen is also a big question mark at the moment. Regardless this could be the best race of the summer.
Burning Question – How is Tony Clark still employed in the big leagues? He was D-U-N done in 2002, yet he’s managed to survive seven more years, who does he have incriminating photos of?
SAN FRANCISCO – They have the best 1-2 punch in the league in Cain and Lincecum, but how the Giants will score runs is a bigger question then how did Seal nab Heidi Klum. The first team to score twice, might be the winner each time the Giants play.
Pablo Sandoval seems like a jovial fat baby Ortiz type figure to root for. Upon further review projected third hitter Fred Lewis is not a former Boston Bruins coach, and the rest of the lineup is pretty unknown too.
Burning Question – Is there a starker contrast between any two lefties in baseball history than Randy Johnson and Barry Zito?
COLORADO – Clearly Jesus-loving Clint Hurdle and the rest of the Pious Rockies sold their souls to someone to make the 2007 World Series, and the sudden repentance the Lord has forced the Rox to pay is life in baseball purgatory, not as bad as the Padres, but not good enough to play .500 ball all summer and stay in the race.
Burning Question – Boy those Troy Tulowitzki/Derek Jeter comparisons stopped pretty fast huh?
SAN DIEGO – By default they’ll win 60 games and lose 60 games, but the other 60 that determine a season, well the Padres could lose 55 of them. They have a worse offense than the Giants, and play in the Grand Canyon, but their pitching is atrocious too, and I’m pretty sure Alphabetically you’ll find Jake Peavey right after Oswalt on that potential home grown terrorist watch list thanks to the WBC.
Burning Question – This team isn’t interesting enough to have a burning question, and too many holes to limit things to just one. Perhaps the larger question, why doesn't everyone live in San Diego fits here?
AMERICAN LEAGUE (aka the Varsity)
The AL East is down the bottom so you either have to read the whole thing, or be inconvenienced enough to have to scroll down to the end.
AL CENTRAL CHAMPION – Cleveland Indians
CLEVELAND – I feel like the Devil Rays should be moved to this division, just to add a team that doesn’t suck completely. But the Indians will win it by default. Cliff Lee will not repeat last year, but the rest of their rotation is decent enough given the lineup they’ll trot out every night.
Burning Question – Will Carl Pavano exceed the number of Yankee starts he made by A) Mother’s Day B) Memorial Day C) Labor Day?
DETROIT – This team will make a run only because it will screw ownership. They’re banking on a poor start and then a fire sale of Marlins proportions, but they have the pitching and a decent enough lineup to stay in the race but their bullpen sucks, and will ultimately be their undoing, sometime in August after the deadline, where they’ll still be on the hook for all those big guns they didn’t trade.
Burning Question – Given Joel Zumaya’s injury history with Guitar Hero, is there a team policy banning use of the Wii?
MINNESOTA – Joe Mauer is hurt again, and thus they’ll be a middle of the pack team. They have a great bullpen, but not enough starting pitching and a thin lineup.
Burning Question – Honestly I got nothing here, I even waited until the end in hopes of coming up with something, but hey 29 out of 30 isnt bad right?
CHICAGO – Sorry Guiney, but this team will underachieve. They are aging slow and one dimensional in the middle of the lineup, and young and inexperienced at the top and bottom. Their bullpen could be good with the addition of Linebrink, but their rotation has some question marks mainly the age of Jose Contreras, and the weight of Bartolo Colon.
Burning Question – If Ozzie Guillen tips over the postgame spread in a tirade, would Bartolo Colon resort to cannibalism?
KANSAS CITY – It seems fitting that Kyle Farnsworth was jettisoned to baseball Siberia, but I feel for Coco Crisp. The rest of the Royals roster is interesting (ok, only mildly), could be good, could be awful. Alex Gordon is supposed to be on the verge of a breakout season, and allegedly Zach Greinke is a star in the making. I read more about the Royals in the last five minutes, than in the last 5 years, so take it for what its worth.
Burning Question – Why do people even attend their games? It’s hot as hell there, it’s a crappy stadium, and a worse product.
AL WEST Champion- California and Surrounding counties and territories Angels
LOS ANGELES/ANAHEIM/ORANGE COUNTY/ SOUTH CENTRAL/LONG BEACH
I don’t want to be accused of leaving something out. Anyway, the Angels are the favorite here because everyone else has more questions. Abreu is the steal of the offseason at his pricetag, but Guerrero is looking and walking like Earl Campbell more and more every day. The rotation is in shambles right now due to injury, and the bullpen has a few questions as well. The addition of Fuentes helps, anchor with Arredondo who was impressive last October.
Burning Question – “Will I…be able…to play….softball…tomorrow???” “No by tomorrow you’ll barely be able to breathe.”
Aside from the miraculous recovery from acute radiation poisoning suffered during a guest spot on the Simpsons, why does Mike Scoisia get so much love? He’s short tempered, whiny, and growing more ornery by the day while not having won anything important in years. Food for thought that’s all.
OAKLAND – I love them to maybe win the division, but then I honestly questioned whether or not the other four projected starters after Duchscherer were made up names. Plus if they stumble early they’ll also be selling like the Marlins after a world title. The A’s have good young pitching, and apparently focus on defense more now, but the offense is still a question. The additions of Giambi and Holiday are a step in the right direction, but Holliday may be a system (Coors Field) guy, and Giambi wont have the short porch in right to lean on.
Burning Question – Will the number of smiles Nomar cracks be less than or equal to the number of at-bats he gets a week. (please show your work in determining this calculation)
TEXAS – They’re playing out the string already. Offensively they are solid, but not what they have been in the past. They still have a bad rotation and even crappier bullpen so I wouldn’t expect much beyond the usual 11-8 slugfest, though they’d probably win the NL Central or West going away.
Burning Question – As Jason Varitek’s batting average drops lower than his weight, and Clay Bucholz’s ERA at Pawtucket, drops lower than Heidi Watney’s weight, how many days a week will the names of Saltalamachia, and Teagarden appear in the Globe and Herald?
SEATTLE – King Felix Hernandez, and Erik Bedard will make this team interesting to watch for the first 105 pitches of games when the Mariners are in the field twice a week, otherwise, the Moose (which never seemed to make sense as a mascot to me) becomes the most exciting aspect about the Mariners. The calcification and decaying of the corpse of Ken Griffey (who ceases to be “junior” when he turns 35) in center field might be a fun way to waste a summer if you’re a Mariner season ticket holder in the bleachers.
Burning Question – Did Ichiro’s ulcer come from the stress of representing Japan in the WBC or the impending doom of having to go back to the Mariners and get his ass kicked all season?
AL EAST Champion – Satan
NY YANKEES – There is no way this team doesn’t win the division. Joe Girardi sees the national unemployment rate of 8.5% and knows he doesn’t want to be calling the department of workforce development any time soon. Thus, he’ll have the pedal to the metal all season long, likely making life miserable for this team come late August, and into September. But I think they still win the Division by taking the shortsighted view of feeling as though they have to do everything to win every game, as opposed to playing for October, they’ll be playing to get to October.
There are legitimate lineup questions, and defensive issues, as well as bullpen queries. But I think the rotation is built for the regular season, and they’ll plenty of runs.
Burning Question – How will this team take ARod back? Since he left they were basically camp tranquility and quietly won the most games in Florida. How he assimilates back to the ballclub will go a long way toward how far they go into October.
BOSTON – The Sox have a ton of pitching on paper, but question marks within that. How will Penny, and Smoltz hold up, what kind of Wakefield are we getting, can Bucholz be the dominant force he’s shown flashes of? The Bullpen might be as good as its been in my lifetime, but its always a crapshoot. I just don’t think there’s enough offense right now. If Ellsbury shows improvement and Varitek can hit his weight, and Drew plays 135 games, and Ortiz hits for some power, and Lowell returns to some form all bets are off. But that’s a lot of ifs. Pedroia and Youkilis are the only sure things so to speak in the lineup, but I want to see a little more out of them before I’m a total believer. (the sudden downfall of Nomar, and the vast overrating of hometowners Troy O’Leary, and John Valentin leave me skeptical, along with the inherent Red Sox fan trait to always expect the other shoe to drop)
They are in great position to acquire someone in a fire sale, but where will they play? Center Field and Shortstop are the only place and neither Hanley Ramirez or Grady Sizemore are walking through that door. Fortunately I am a ploythiestic worshipper and while that makes me a heathen down south, "In Theo and Tito I trust" to make the right decisions and put this team in position to win.
Burning question – I think we covered all 13 of them above, and this team was so bland during spring training I don’t even have anything witty to snark at. Ok, how bout this one; am I the only 2009 baseball preview in America that featured two separate references to John Valentin? I vote yes.
TAMPA BAY – The Rays lineup is probably the best in the Division, at least with ARod out, but there are legitimate questions about their pitching. The pitching staff can go one of two ways. They can continue to make the leap and become the 1990s Braves, in which case we’re all playing for second and a wild card berth. Or they can fall back to earth a bit, as the toll last season took rears its ugly head the following season as it is often wont to do (see, Foulke, Keith; Beckett, Josh; Indians, 2007). I think the latter is the more likely scenario. They will score a ton of runs, but they Rays don’t have the depth to fill pitching holes if injuries, fatigue and poor execution set in. In an age of pitch counts and innings maximums for young pitchers, the Rays pitchers exceeded all of them last season, and I think it’s a reasonable prospect to expect them to plateau a little. In any other division they could get over this and probably still run away and hide, but not in the AL East.
Burning Question – Now that he’s making good money and a well respected Manager, what exactly is stopping Joe Maddon from getting laser eye surgery, those glasses send off more of a Kennedy Administration Cabinet member circa the Cuban Missile Crisis, than it does AL Manager of the year.
TORONTO – Any former manager who calls Roger Clemens an As**ole is ok in my book, score one for Cito Gaston. However, that might be the only thing Cito and his boys score this season. Once again the Jays could be a contender anywhere else, but will lose 90 games in the revamped AL East. They have one solid starter, two solid hitters, and one solid closer. A good core, but not enough in this Division.
Burning Question – Not so much for the Jays but about them, whoever struggles with this team will be on the outside looking in come playoff time.
BALTIMORE – There is absolutely no redeeming quality about this team until they call up prized prospect Matt Wieters, who is some sort of catcher superhero by all accounts, but unless he can pitch, catch, and bat in all nine positions the O’s will still suck, they’ll just be intriguing to fantasy players who draft Wieters in a keeper league.
Burning Question – How many times will centerfielder Adam Jones be mistaken for miscreant pond scum unemployed punt returner Adam Jones?
And that’s my regular season predicted order of finish, I would love some comments about my baseball intellect (won’t hold my breath on that one) or idiocy, and your Division winners are also welcome.
Also if anyone is reading this is interest in putting together a fantasy baseball league shoot me an email (or a phone call if you have the bat phone number) and I’ll set something up.
